Before you read this just remember that this is not about mental illness. I do realize mental illnesses are real and I am writing based off of my experiences with loneliness. This is my platform for writing my experiences and perspectives. Please do not take this too seriously.
I use to feel lonely, even when I was surrounded by even the best of company. This might be surprising to those who know me pretty well? I realize its safe to assume that everybody has or does feel lonely in their life at least once. Loneliness feels like maybe slightly anxious or just an overall sadness. I don't really know if I have experienced anxiety enough to know that it is what I was feeling but either way- not a good feeling. Its very hard to explain, usually people will judge you, especially if they are trying to keep you company. Some of the things I would think:
-I don't feel like I have true friends, or non that listen to me or relate to me
-I don't feel like I am normal. Why do I feel like I am doing things wrong even if it makes me happy?
-Everybody has too many opinions and mine now does not matter
-Everybody in my immediate family has their own issues - mine are pushed aside or seen as dramatic or "extra"
people would say to me :
-"Your so talented and you have so much going for you! You've got so much to do in your free time. You don't need to have lots of friends."
-"You've had everything given to you. Why would you experience sadness. Why would you feel unsatisfied?"
"Everybody is lonely. You just gotta get yourself out of it."
Friends and family (usually) feel this natural obligation to give you attention positive/negative if they notice you sort of fading or distancing. It's difficult for them to understand your loneliness and because they feel there is not reason to feel that way and it feels like your not valuing their time with you. They take it on as their responsibility to show you your not alone. Sometimes not one single human being can change that for you. Unfortunately nobody possesses that power even if it FEELS like they do.
If I am honest.... sometimes were quick to say were depressed, anxious, lonely people and that is why we hide away. I really can't say that I've met someone who hasn't experienced anxiety or depression. It can be a label on the reason for why we just CAN'T get out of it. I am not dismissing mental illness and it is a very real thing. This pertains more to just like flip flopping, usually these common issues as just temporary fillers for why we can't feel truly connected to people.
Ok. So what did I do to actually FEEL less lonely? Well first I realized that I am loved by God who never fails me the way humans do everyday. I realized I am enough and that nobody has to like me, or like what I stand for.
- I have embraced the joy I get from loving a friend and a family member when they seemed unlovable. Then in return helping them come to a better place too.
- I have taken EVERY opportunity that has come into my path- just in case it DOES go somewhere.
- I am trying to be as kind as possible with the mindset that if I AM KIND it will spread like wildfire
- I have learnt when I should be alone and silent. That too is important. Being alone now for me is bliss. It's my time with my GOOD thoughts and my prayers.
How did I start to value my time with people more?
When I realized that I need them as much as they need me. In the start of 2018 my attitude as more like "This year is for me and only me, I am taking on this year selfishly because I deserve it.".... IF I play it over in my head a bunch of times it really just sounds empty and lonely. I don't want to be selfish! I want to be selfless, I want this year to be me finding myself in the reflection of others. I already KNOW who I am because I have a God that assures me I am enough... So really I am already set to spread that unto others. Those who ARE lost like I have been before... and still battle bits here and there.
Specifically, because it pertains to my past/present, GIRLS- be honest with your girlfriends. I have lost A LOT of friendships because nobody was willing to be transparent. Nobody would say what the issue was or if there was one at all. Tell your best friend shes being a dick for making up excuses. Just say "Hey!!! I don't feel like it today." and then PLAN another time. Literally set a date. We all work on schedules. Were all adults here. You can probably count the friendships lost on your two hands over this simple issue. Forgive your friends. Even if you don't get to say it to their face and next time you see them just let it go - love em anyways.
Ok ... back to my main point
Timing has a lot to do with how this all changed for me....
I didn't have any idea I would even acknowledge lonely feelings. The only reason for how I knew that is what I felt because I I feel way BETTER now. I feel like my friendships mean more now. My family relationships MEAN more. Because I have put aside my loneliness and my feelings of "How can you help me". Now I'm like how can I be there for you? Or sometimes I simply just let it be in God's hands and I say a quick prayer for them if I know its outta my control.
It's just the beginning and man there are more than a few connections I have cut off because of my fear of how I would feel. Being let down and just being afraid of rejections. This year is year to dig out of that. Stop being ashamed of who I am as a daughter.
PS. Just a big thank you to all those who stuck with me through my worst. Who listened to me complain over and again about feeling sad for myself.....